I'm F.I.N.E.

And by fine I really mean

Freaked out
Insecure
Neurotic
Excitable (in a bad way)


I was filling out envelopes and address for support letters for a trip when I realized that I didn't have some addresses. I called my mom and started going down the list of names that I still needed and came to Aunt Belle (my great aunt, my mom's aunt).

"About that... I just found out she's in the hospital, I'm trying to figure out when to visit her." I just kinda sat there like a lump of noodles. Apparently Aunt Belle fell down in her house about a month ago, and has been in the hospital ever since. All of those relatives live in Bakersfield with in five miles of each other, so when something happens they usually don't bother telling any of those who live out of town, so we don't find out until way later.

My mom proceeded to tell me the game plan, we're either heading up there this Wednesday, or the Wednesday of Spring Break. Now, I'm in a quasi-emotional state and I'm trying to figure out why. For a second I thought it was being bummed about missing P.C. week, but I realized it wasn't that, I can go to Mexico any time... I'm not one to cry about people dying, it happens, but for some reason I just don't feel like functioning at school anymore. I want to go home and be with my mom and Sean. I've put everything on hold except for going to class and working on my case study (and venting obviously).

Death is just such a funky thing. It happens to everybody, but as far as I can tell people don't really think about it all that much. Maybe they do, but they just don't talk about it I can never be sure, but I know for myself I never think "Oh she's old, she's gonna die soon, sweet man." There's this odd assumption that they're just always going to be around, regardless of age or physical health. I'm not sure if this is some sort of comment on my maturity level, maybe I need to grow up more, or if it's a comment on the fact that I just don't deal with people dying all that much. Death doesn't seem like much of a reality until you start dealing with it face to face.

Now I'm sure it's pretty morbid to just jump from a stay at a hospital to Aunt Belle's ultimate demise but I can't help it. I'm also sure that I'm coming off as very callous for finding the humor in the situation, oh well...


oops Christina's here Apa Kabbar