Back In Black

I was hurrying to my room when I heard that song blasting from somebody's room, and naturally my mind began making bizarre connections

Black:
Civil Rights
Restlessness
Nightmares
Alone

Last Friday was big fat civil rights remembrance day; we watched a video in history about the Civil Rights movement in the 50s, talked about the ironic fact that it was the anniversary of MLK's assassination, and I cried. Every other thing made me emotional, a song, a statement, an image... The fact that people could justify spraying 100 lbs of pressure on children because they were "black and protesting". The fact that we justify all of this b.s. that we do and find ways to make it ok. "Oh it's a fallen world, so that's why this is happening." Yea I get it- this wasn't what God intended, that still doesn't mean it's ok for stuff like this to be going on. I feel helpless and foolish calling that statement a cop out. "Darn fallen world can't be helped" even if that is the truth it still seems... far too... I can't explain....too easy. What's the point of our following Christ if all we do is fall back on the fact that we're in a fallen world? I understand that it is naive to think that we can fix all problems, but I would much rather attempt to figure stuff out than just sit back on the fact that the world isn't what it was supposed to be.

I think I'm just angry at myself, everybody I live with, just everybody in general. I feel restless and terrible about my own laziness and hypocrisy. All I want to do is drop out of school and DO something, but whenever I feel like that I'll be told "you know, people need to learn how to wait and to listen to God." I'm mad and I'm jealous of all those people who get to go out into the world and get their bearings. I haven't been forced to mull over anything in the past month and a half, and the fact that I need to feel forced to do so is equally pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself, my lack of drive, my ignorance.

Since coming home from Aunt Belle's funeral I have come off as funny and ever well adjusted, this is untrue. I have become prone to terrifying nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares where you wake up at 3 in the morning afraid to move a muscle for fear of something terrible happening. In last night's episode I witnessed the beating and kidnapping of somebody and was locked in a car- unable to help, helpless myself. I've mentioned these dreams to a few people and everybody just writes it off as stress.

Maybe I am stressed, but I have also developed an uncharacteristic unwillingness to be by myself in my room. Prior to Spring Break I was happy as a clam working on stuff alone in my room- this has not been the case since then, I'm easily creeped out. I'm alone right now, but it's taking all my willpower to stay put. This refusal to be alone (which occurred before the bad dreams) has been bothering me for awhile now. I have no idea what is going on I'm upset, frustrated, and deeply afraid a majority of the time.